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Friday, January 15, 2016

Goodbye Our Beloved

All animals are precious...all adoptions are special...
but now and than an animal is extra extra special.
They speak to your very core in a special unique way.
They are your soul mates in every way that a human being can be.

The very second you hold them to you,
from that first deep breathe of bliss you inhale,
from the very first time you hold your soul baby against your body, you know...
you just know straight away that losing them will be impossible.
Right smack dab in the middle of your wonderful blissful moment
is the very second that the dread kicks in...
it starts to warn your heart right from the get go, warn you against what?
the inevitable heartache to come I suppose... 

It's a warning that when they leave you, a part of your light, a part of your heart will leave with them.
That yes, you'll forever carry their beautiful spirit with you.
They made you a better person.
They made you gentler, more patient, kinder...
they grew your heart by not doing anything at all but by being their own precious selves...
and how amazing is that...what an immense gift that is, absolutely.
You'll without a doubt carry this gift and them with you everyday.
You'll forever be wrapped in the warmth and beauty of having known them & their unwavering love.
But alongside these precious gifts, right beside all the beauty, you'll also now carry a hole.
You'll try to understand in every quiet moment,
why you couldn't have kept them with you forever...
because that's how much you loved them...
you loved them soooo much, surely, that was enough to keep them, somehow magically,
you feel this, even when life & logic screams at you that this is not it works...
The love blinds you and lets you feel like it's only natural and fair that things work this way!!
And so this is how we started our New Year...
Gut-wrenchingly heartbroken and steeped deeply in shock.
On New Years day, around 5:30pm our beloved Frenwyck, our sweet puppy
unexpectedly and suddenly left us.

We knew he wasn't feeling well,
but we thought it was just a tummy imbalance or a stubborn stasis case
and we knew he had a sore foot.
Months ago he had to have dental surgery....
the problems seemed to reappear again and again after that.
We can now trace our memory to this past summer and we did indeed notice that he was quieter,
not his usual playful self.  But still he did have his rambunctious silly days still which dipped us
right back into hope again and that he was once again back on track to being himself.

Than a few weeks ago, as you know, he had a near surgery...
there was a lump, than suddenly no lump.  We continued to keep a close eye on him.
In the past few weeks I had him in my arms more than not it seemed
which is why the new artwork was a lot less...
I was concentrating on our Puppy and on our Jaks,
we honestly and naturally just assumed that Jaks, with his heart condition,
would be the one we'd be saying Goodbye to.

Frenwyck loved to be held, sick or not, he was one of the most affectionate little bunnies ever.
He spent hours in my arms, especially the last month.
Espeacially the last two weeks, with him needing medicines and feedings
for again, what we just assumed was stasis and gas problems because everything else looked fine.
He would spend the evenings curled up in my arms, sleeping away,
usually after we just bathed his little tushy and tended to his sore foot with cleanings & blow-dries,
his little legs would twitch, his little mouth would munch away happily in a dream....
oh sure the tv was on, but I watched little of it...
I never tired of watching my babe & his precious precious face
as he dreamed away and slept deeply in my arms.
It was just after one of these delicious snugs of ours that all went terribly wrong.

I just put him on the ground after my hon coaxed me to 'put him down for awhile to stretch his legs'
but when I did so he fell over...I picked him up immediately and he slumped against my chest.
Jonathan immediately brought his head to his chest to listen and knew right away that his
heart beat was almost none seconds we were calling the vet...
but during those same seconds he went into a seizure and convulsions, kicking and whimpering
and well it was horrible for lack of a better word.

People have said 'Oh but what a gift, to hold your pet as they leave this world'
and I have the strength to do so simple because I can't imagine not doing so
but it's not beautiful in any way that I've been able to's impossibly hard.
It's soul gutting.
But I don't want it to be...
if I am to continue on with this unique life with rabbits, I have to find a way...
a better way to handle myself and to deal with it
because every time, including this time with Frenwyck (and the 8 more times atleast ahead of us),
holding my babies as they pass, every single time,
whether it's by sudden harsh departure or by the gentler, calmer euthizing...either way...
it burns into me...
it marks my soul...
I can't shake it...
I can't forget it
and whiles I carry an immense amount of joy and happiness in everyday, yes,
I always have that, each and everytime, weighing heavily on me...
the spot where I last held my babies, where they last laid and breathed their last breathes.
It feels like a huge chest sized scorch mark, always hot to the touch, ready to wrench me into despair,
It's not a beautiful's an utter despartness of being completely completely useless...
all you can do is hold them tightly,
tell them you love them again and again and again...
whisper how happy you were to be their Mama...
tell them how proud you are of them, how strong they are, how precious they will forever be to you.
You try not to freak out and scream and cry as their bodies shut down, kick, shudder, cry...
it's simply awful and not beautiful at all.

We ran out into the winter and tried to get to the doctor as fast as we could
but he was already gone by the time we got there.
We think it was kidney or liver failure.
Likely liver failure since we knew when we adopted him that he had a sick liver...
we wanted to adopt him despite his health problem, even if there was nothing we could do for him
because as I said, he was our soul mate and we knew that from the first minute we saw him.

Most of the time I am strong...but sometimes I am not.
I didn't handle this one well.
Not at all.
I curled up in a ball and slept and didn't eat or drink for 3 days.
I only got up long enough in the morning and night to give Jaks his medicine and
Jonathan somehow managed to pull himself up long enough to do our basic
bunny duties like food, snacks, lights and potties.
I think beyond saying goodbye to this particular incredible soul,
it was the suddenness that just literally knocked us off our feet.
It took me a week to be able to leave the house
because leaving the house meant coming back to it that very first time when it hits you
that he's not inside there, waiting for you.

This one hurts a huge huge amount.
For the first time have no need to try to explain to those who simply won't understand.
For the first time have no desire to convince people of my truly broken heart.
The masses don't let us grieve an animal as it allows us to grieve a person
and whiles I don't like it, I understand that that's just how it is.
So I stick to myself, I stay with Jonathan and our other babies because they know me...
They know.  They understand
and it's to you, to you kindred spirits out there that I bear my broken heart too.

All of these photos of Frenwyck, I was saving, for future posts,
thinking I had plenty of time to share them, to show off our incredible Frenwyck, our Puppy.
What I am finding hard to deal with too is that Frenwyck just bonded just over a month ago.
Sure he was quick friends with Teela but Yuuji was jealous and gave him a hard time for ages.
Most of the time Yuuji was kind to him, letting him snuggle, giving him a million kissing
but we only 100% trusted them to be alone together just over a month before.
He had moved into Teela and Yuuji's part of the house....
he was so content, not wanting to go back to his old set of rooms, no way, he loved his new buddies.
He would jump up on the bed in the mornings, when the sun was spilling through the windows,
and he's stretch out, gazing happily into my eyes as I laid beside him, petting him, my snuggle bug,
I would bask in his beauty as he basked in the sun & snugs, sometimes he would stay for a whole hour, falling asleep again and again, warm from my hand and the sunshine...
These times were precious to me just like my nightly 8pm 'mama/teetee' snugs with Teela on the bed,
which much to her chagrin, he wanted to join in on too.

I walk around feeling abit like a ghost...
somehow lighter for having known this precious unique soul.
Better for having been him mama for a mere 3 years of his short 5 year life.
My heart is not itself right now.  I am angry that he had to leave so soon.
And whiles I've finally stopped crying, 
We are simply heartbroken, grief-sticken and utterly lost with this sudden loss...
So bear with me, for awhile, I may not be my usual chipper self
for it's feeling so unexpected, so life with our Fren was all but a dream...
a beautiful, fuzzy, joy-filled, love pouring over, sweet sweet, precious dream.

And I write all this because this blog of mine is suppose to be a positive spot.
So it's here that I retell the painful night knowing that in time doing so will help me heal.
It's here that I bear my heart to you kindred spirits who will understand my pain.
It's here that I will remember my baby with you all,
because over the last 3 years, you have gotten to know a tiny bit of him too.
So please light a candle for us...send us strength...
send our stardust baby a million beautiful wishes.

and thanks so so much for listening...I'll see you all next week.  XO.


Snap said...

Wishing you well and much love. It is so difficult when one of soul-babes passes from our world. I tell myself I was lucky to have them in my world and I hope, I listened and learned from them.

Deb said...

I'm so sorry, Mandy. What a terrible way to start the new year. I really feel your loss as we, too, lost a beloved family cat, our Sierra, on New Year's Eve. Sending a hug to you and hope that your wonderful memories of sweet Frenwyck help to heal your heart. Hugs, Deb.

Natascha Rieper said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I understand how you feel as I have been in your shoes before. Your blog was a beautiful tribute to his wonderful little soul. When I am consumed with grief for a lost loved pet I send them prayers of love during my darkest times. I also try and focus on being thankful that I got to have that extra specia bond of love, that many people just dont "get". You will miss him so but I know with all certainity we will be reunited one day. My family used to laugh at me, but I said when I die I want to be an animal greeter on the other side. What is that you ask? Well I think I want to be a person that is there to greet animals to the other side and make their transition one of love and peace. So I'm sure in this big world that there were also other people like me and somebody was there to greet him and that he is doing just fine! Much love to you and I hope your heart heals!

wendylynn said...

Dear Mandy & Jonathan~
I'm so desperately sorry for the loss of your beloved. It is so true that although we love all of our animals, some souls entwine more closely to ours than others.
I have missed your posts lately due to the sudden passing of my Mother, and I assure you- that what I love from blogger's is HONESTY. Our lives are not filled with happy days every single day, there can be happy moments on even the darkest days. But there are definitely days when it seems the sun will never shine again, nor do we want it to. I to have animals that are my friends and my family, many people do not understand the bond. I feel sorry for them, it is their loss to miss out on the love that we get to experience. Unfortunately, with that great love comes great pain.
My wish is that with time your pain will ease, it will always be there, but in time I hope it lessens- I know because mine has very slowly. Blessings to you, Jonathan & the buns- your pictures and art bring light to my life in a very dark time. With heartfelt condolences~ Wendy

Mandy Saile said...

Thank you so so kindly ladies, every single one of your messages has been a balm.

Hugs to you Dear Snap and Deb, I think of you both and know you have had losses of your very own and I so appreciate you embracing me during my tough times XXOO. I can always count on you two too visit me here and support me.

Dear Natascha, it's always great to converse with you through our emails...a fellow bunny mama is always a wonderful thing and I appreciate you. XXOO.

Wendy Lynn, I wish I could respond to you personally but I have not been able to track back to you in anyway, so I will do so here. Your note brought tears to my eyes and was so truly appreciated and needed your kind note that day so thank you from the bottom of my heart. I am so very sorry for your own loss. I can't imagine as my Mom is one of my best friends. I am sending a hug right back to you. Your right, most people don't understand the bond (I too feel sorry for them) but some of you out there do and it was indeed to you all that I was talking to and I loved that some of you have reached out. The pain does ease with time, I know this well, but my oh my this one was extra extra rough and still has us reeling. I am beyond thrilled to know that you enjoy my blog and my artwork and knowing that it buoys you up even just alittle bit during darker days is truly an honor. Thank you endlessly for letting me know that because sometimes I don't know if anyone is out there looking or reading and I wonder about the point of it all...your comment lets me know to keep on blogging:D

Hugs to you all XXXOOO